Vampires- Narcissism, Spike, and Angelus

While Aria and I were watching LMPTM, I decided to bring up an article I read in the Psychology of Joss Whedon about vampirism as a metaphor for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’m not going to go into detail about how vampires display symptoms of this since if you have seen BTVS and ATS you… well.. know what vampires are like. I went to fetch a list of the symptoms for you here-

Someone with NPD displays 5 or more of the following…

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Another intriguing note- the presence of a soul seems to take away these qualities. And now a little exploration of Angel and Spike.

Liam -> Angelus -> Angel : Driven by Purpose

Liam was a drunken, whoring, son of a bitch. That’s pretty much the only way to put it. He was the rich white kid of the 1700s who didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to, because his family had money and he was lazy. He had no purpose and hence was pretty much a mess. But that’s what makes his transition to Angelus so interesting. How this lazy boy becomes a feared killer- in becoming a vampire Angelus suddenly had purpose. He was a creature made to kill, made to feed, and he was going to do so to the best of his ability. But it was more than just ‘killing’, his purpose lay in destroying lives, hence the mind games and artistic slaughters.

When Angel got his soul back, he was no longer a full vampire, hence he lost his purpose which is what left him struggling for 90+ years, flailing to survive, doing nothing with his life except for moment and actions done on the spur of the moment, but not for any real reason. It was almost as though he was in a permanent dissociative fugue, cut off from any real identity as he made circles around the country, from New York to Chicago to Montana to Vegas back, eventually, to New York.

Things finally changed in 1996, when he had something to do- look out for Buffy. And you can see over the first few seasons of Buffy that this purpose kept Angel going. But it wasn’t going to last after they split. When he got to LA in the first season of Angel he was still in that isolated, drinking, closed off state. He got purpose again by his connection to the PTB.

In essence, what makes Angel a champion, is the exact same thing that makes Angelus a monster.

William -> Spike : Driven to Connect

William, in life, was someone who spent his time caring for his mother, writing poetry, and generally being a romantic, and about being connected to other people. Perhaps that is how he established his self worth, by connecting to others. In becoming Spike, he showed all the symptoms of NPD/Vampirism, but what I find interesting is that he shows them mostly in regards to his romantic points of view. For him, killing was not really done on his own, but mostly as what seemed like mating rituals with/for either Drusilla or Angelus, or if you don’t buy the Spike/Angelus bit you could say he was trying to prove his worth as a vampire to someone he admired.

He definitely was preoccupied by the concepts of ideal love, especially with Dru and Buffy. And can be seen as lacking empathy for others and interpersonally exploitative for this romantic ideal- case in point the scene where he is going to “make Buffy love him.”

Another interesting thing to point out is that he was not a violent vampire by nature, not until he met Angelus. Which begs the question, how does refined William become bad-ass brawling Spike. Again he is working on connecting to people and building up his self worth. No one will respect a vampire who just sits about writing poetry, they are going to respect one who gets out there and makes a scene. He is building himself up to show himself as someone spectacular, to be feared.

And as Aria pointed out to me, Spike getting his soul back was very different from Angel getting his soul back. Whereas Angel sort of… dissolved from his lack of purpose, Spike still had what drove him- the need to connect to others. And he did so in helping the Scoobies.

The Chocolate Bunny Chronicles

Okay… so I get my chocolate bunny for easter… and it’s one of those gold wrapped Lindt bunnies that look so pretty and is way cuter than the plush one… and I have it sitting on my desk and I really want the chocolate… but I don’t want to wreck the beautiful bunny… and I ponder this for a while and decide to unwrap it as carefully as possible so I can stuff it with tissues and tape it back together when the chocolate is out… so I pull out the chocolate, which is beautiful too… and am stuffing the wrapper but it gets all messy so I give up and toss it in the garbage can but the face is still intact and staring up at me like why did you do this too me, and lo and behold I feel guilty about opening up the bunny… So I start eating the chocolate to ease my guilt but now I think the bunny is glaring at me for eating it… and it’s very difficult…

I hope this is a reaction to my bunny dying last summer because this is frigging nuts.

Happy Easter…

Never try to speak…

Not when you first wake up anyways.

In a movie discussion instead of saying “No Country for Old Men” I said “Old Country for No Men.” Yes, it’s the hit Russian Lesbian movie of 2008.

Excuse me while I drool all over my childhood…

The weekend usually evanesces, life does, stuff does…

Today was actually a Saturday that felt like a saturday. Woke up, went to the gym, put in my auditions for BBTL season 2, and started studying for my AbPsy midterm. There was also a portion of the day spent doing trunk room cleanout. It wasn’t much, unlike last year where we were hauling stuff down from the attic to the basement, talk about back pain. Then Aria and I watched some Angel and Buffy.

Seeing people’s discarded stuff is really weird. I mean aside from suitcases full of someone’s underwear, a discarded ATM card that expired 11 years ago, and posters, silverware, TVs and computers… you see little things of people. A senior found photos someone had taken of her during her freshman year. The thing that resonated most with me was a broken board. It was old, starting to mold, but what I noticed was it was dated- 12/13/05 “The day I broke my first board”.

Obviously whoever this board breaker was took Kung Fu, like I did last semester. I remember that feeling, breaking a board for the first time with the sheer energy of you. That day from last semester really stands out in my mind.

I’d spent the entire morning with El. We had breakfast together, and then went over to her place and she worked on her logic final. Then we had the last kung fu class meet up. We did our cheesy skit based on 1950s PSAs about defending yoruself with kung fu. But then there was the board breaking. El was the first one to go and she hesitated, unsure of herself, and sure enough the board didn’t break. She took a break, some other people went, myself included, and then she went again and she and I both learned that as long as you are sure you will break the board, you will… then we went to Starbucks and went back to my place to work/chill.

That was just a great day. Maybe one of the best of my life. I hope I get another day like it again… but then again… everything seems to just fade away.

Thank God For Email and XJobs

I’ve been working on my summer internship applications all afternoon and I finally have sent some out.I’m only sending to ones in New York City so I can commute. So far I’ve sent to Fox, NBC/Universal, and Thirteen (PBS). I have plans to send more to ABC, CBS, A&E, Warner Brothers, and that’s all I can think of. If you have any ideas let me know. If these fall through I’m probably interning at a psychiatric facility for troubled teens.

Long week and its only thursday…

The weeks go way too fast. It gets to be Saturday and you go holy shit tomorrow is Sunday which means the day after that is Monday. But then you go the way after that is Tuesday which is almost Wednesday, which means only two days until the weekend. And then it gets to be Thursday and you think where did the week go? Holy shit the week is almost over and then it’s Friday and you think you can chill but then it gets to Saturday and it starts all over again. I greatly dislike this pattern.

I’m working on the paperwork to take Shakespeare as a pass/fail course, I don’t wanna worry about a grade I know will be a B or a B+ when I want mostly A-s

I have 6 costume designs for Machinal due monday and an online quiz for AbPsy… other than that I think I’m sitting pretty.

What a day…

First off did you see Johnny’s face when S.T. won art direction? He was all “Something I was in won an award? Does not compute.”… It totally deserved it though.

Anyways I can’t wait for therapy. I had some serious anxiety issues today, like I couldn’t stop feeling like I had to be somewhere, I kept looking at the clock and I ended up missing Shakespeare. I think I’m going to change the grading option to Pass/Fail for GPA reasons…

I need things to get better.

A Case of the Nasties

I had a particularly nasty panic attack today. To start, I was home for a few days to visit my grandfather… he’s looking better. Anyways the panic attack… It started at 12:30 when I hit the road to had from home to school wondering if I’d be back in time for my 3 O’clock class, I’m already kicking myself for stopping to buy an eyeshadow and concealer I really wanted, but I really wantd the concealer because I was freaking about this huge zit I have…

I knew I would make it, yet still with the panic. About 30 minutes into the drive I had to pee so I pulled off the highway to a gas station, their restroom was out of order, so I went to the rest stop across the street and it was under construction… so 10 minutes later I am in the Burger King freaking out already. I get back in the car and drive panicked to school, I get there with 15 minutes to get to class and it only takes me 5 minutes to walk there and my teacher starts late.

I get to class on time, sit down, and proceed to sit and twitch and constantly look at the clock and try not to cry. We were looking at eating disorders and I knew something was wrong with me because the idea of taking laxatives to lose weight suddenly sounded like a good idea.  BAD IDEA. Rationally a very very BAD IDEA.

So then I came back and saw that a parking ban was declared due to impending snow so I have to move my car. Which means putting it in the garage which will cost money. I am now panicking about the money I spent on the eyeshadow and concealer this morning. I know I have more money in a certificate of desposit and a nice sum of money in my checking account, yet I freak out because I  spent so much money last month and I don’t want my parents to be mad at me.

So I go out grocery shopping since my car will be in the garage for a while and I should get food now and it came out to… well… what food for over a week would cost since the price of food is rising and I’m using my mom’s money to buy the food and I freak again because I’m spending her money! Even though she said I could buy groceries. I bumped into two people in the market and apologized profusely and repeatedly and they were both equal parts comforting and wigged at this wacky girl who felt so guilty for bumping into them.

And now I’m here trying to not feel so damned guilty for every little thing that I do. This is bad. Aria’s on her way over… maybe some down time will help me…

I’m riding the endorphin high…

I honestly think I need therapy more than once a week because I’m starting to get very antsy and anxious again. It’s not fun. Anyways I went to the gym and I’m feeling good for a while. I got most of my costume design homework done so far. Just a few more things left to do but it’s not a big deal.

Anyways since I’m here and I have this spot, I figured I should pimp the Buffy Between the Lines Season 2 auditions. Since they are coming. March 8-21st.

Harmony, Principal Snyder, Mayor Wilkins III,  Willy the Snitch, Cordy, Drusilla (Aria I know you read this…. jooooin us), Riley, Oz, Lindsey McDonald, Lilah Morgan, Gwen Raiden, Amy Madison, Larry, Holland Manners, Pat, Alan Finch, Young Wesley (7 years old), Gwendolyn Post, Quentin Travers and many many more! Just keep it in mind.