Moving Out, Please!!!!

So I’ve been trying to move into Aria’s dorm for a while since pretty much all my friends and my friends’ friends who I think I’d probably get to be friends with if I was there all live there… ha… say that 3 times fast. But I’m currently in To Be Announced housing and I have no idea where I will be next semester.

Anyways, the more important part of the story goes, I went to lunch with Aria and we sat down at this huge booth and little by little people from her dorm started kind of trickling over to us. So the group went from us 2 to about 5 people… and it was one of the best experiences I’d had since I got to college. Even though I ended up debating some Buffy stuff with one of them whose views of the show I seriously disagree with but it was still a very pleasant experience. I talked with a friend in my Costume Design class about our final projects and it was just… enjoyable.

God I wanna move in with my frieeeeendsssss…. T-T

Soooo…

Ever had that thing where you thought something was due on day X and it turns out to be due day X-5….  So the Ab Psy final project I thought I was supposed to have done by the 2nd, was due tomorrow. So I got it done, it didn’t take me that long. I’m just glad I got through it without an anxiety attack! Oh this is so cause for a party

I HAVE CONQUERED MY ANXIETY!!!!! Mostly

Anyways with two weeks to go here is what I have for each week.

WEEK ONE

• 1 Final for PoA
• Internship Stipend Application
• 1 Project for Ab Psy
• 1 Costume Design Project

WEEK TWO

• 1 Final for Ab Psy
• 1 Projects left for Costume Design
• 1 Paper for Shakespeare
• 1 Final for Shakespeare
• Begin Study Abroad paperwork

Vampires- Narcissism, Spike, and Angelus

While Aria and I were watching LMPTM, I decided to bring up an article I read in the Psychology of Joss Whedon about vampirism as a metaphor for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’m not going to go into detail about how vampires display symptoms of this since if you have seen BTVS and ATS you… well.. know what vampires are like. I went to fetch a list of the symptoms for you here-

Someone with NPD displays 5 or more of the following…

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Another intriguing note- the presence of a soul seems to take away these qualities. And now a little exploration of Angel and Spike.

Liam -> Angelus -> Angel : Driven by Purpose

Liam was a drunken, whoring, son of a bitch. That’s pretty much the only way to put it. He was the rich white kid of the 1700s who didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to, because his family had money and he was lazy. He had no purpose and hence was pretty much a mess. But that’s what makes his transition to Angelus so interesting. How this lazy boy becomes a feared killer- in becoming a vampire Angelus suddenly had purpose. He was a creature made to kill, made to feed, and he was going to do so to the best of his ability. But it was more than just ‘killing’, his purpose lay in destroying lives, hence the mind games and artistic slaughters.

When Angel got his soul back, he was no longer a full vampire, hence he lost his purpose which is what left him struggling for 90+ years, flailing to survive, doing nothing with his life except for moment and actions done on the spur of the moment, but not for any real reason. It was almost as though he was in a permanent dissociative fugue, cut off from any real identity as he made circles around the country, from New York to Chicago to Montana to Vegas back, eventually, to New York.

Things finally changed in 1996, when he had something to do- look out for Buffy. And you can see over the first few seasons of Buffy that this purpose kept Angel going. But it wasn’t going to last after they split. When he got to LA in the first season of Angel he was still in that isolated, drinking, closed off state. He got purpose again by his connection to the PTB.

In essence, what makes Angel a champion, is the exact same thing that makes Angelus a monster.

William -> Spike : Driven to Connect

William, in life, was someone who spent his time caring for his mother, writing poetry, and generally being a romantic, and about being connected to other people. Perhaps that is how he established his self worth, by connecting to others. In becoming Spike, he showed all the symptoms of NPD/Vampirism, but what I find interesting is that he shows them mostly in regards to his romantic points of view. For him, killing was not really done on his own, but mostly as what seemed like mating rituals with/for either Drusilla or Angelus, or if you don’t buy the Spike/Angelus bit you could say he was trying to prove his worth as a vampire to someone he admired.

He definitely was preoccupied by the concepts of ideal love, especially with Dru and Buffy. And can be seen as lacking empathy for others and interpersonally exploitative for this romantic ideal- case in point the scene where he is going to “make Buffy love him.”

Another interesting thing to point out is that he was not a violent vampire by nature, not until he met Angelus. Which begs the question, how does refined William become bad-ass brawling Spike. Again he is working on connecting to people and building up his self worth. No one will respect a vampire who just sits about writing poetry, they are going to respect one who gets out there and makes a scene. He is building himself up to show himself as someone spectacular, to be feared.

And as Aria pointed out to me, Spike getting his soul back was very different from Angel getting his soul back. Whereas Angel sort of… dissolved from his lack of purpose, Spike still had what drove him- the need to connect to others. And he did so in helping the Scoobies.

Wondering..

I’m beginning to wonder if love actually exists.

Surviving Midterms

Well I still have a ton of work after break- one midterm, one project, and three papers, but I think I can keep them under control. This semester is just going way faster than I want it to. It’s kinda making my head spin. Anyways I’m taking off to Maine for spring break next week with Jules. Not sure how much updating I’m going to do but thanks to my viewers who have helped me hit 200 hits.

The weekend usually evanesces, life does, stuff does…

Today was actually a Saturday that felt like a saturday. Woke up, went to the gym, put in my auditions for BBTL season 2, and started studying for my AbPsy midterm. There was also a portion of the day spent doing trunk room cleanout. It wasn’t much, unlike last year where we were hauling stuff down from the attic to the basement, talk about back pain. Then Aria and I watched some Angel and Buffy.

Seeing people’s discarded stuff is really weird. I mean aside from suitcases full of someone’s underwear, a discarded ATM card that expired 11 years ago, and posters, silverware, TVs and computers… you see little things of people. A senior found photos someone had taken of her during her freshman year. The thing that resonated most with me was a broken board. It was old, starting to mold, but what I noticed was it was dated- 12/13/05 “The day I broke my first board”.

Obviously whoever this board breaker was took Kung Fu, like I did last semester. I remember that feeling, breaking a board for the first time with the sheer energy of you. That day from last semester really stands out in my mind.

I’d spent the entire morning with El. We had breakfast together, and then went over to her place and she worked on her logic final. Then we had the last kung fu class meet up. We did our cheesy skit based on 1950s PSAs about defending yoruself with kung fu. But then there was the board breaking. El was the first one to go and she hesitated, unsure of herself, and sure enough the board didn’t break. She took a break, some other people went, myself included, and then she went again and she and I both learned that as long as you are sure you will break the board, you will… then we went to Starbucks and went back to my place to work/chill.

That was just a great day. Maybe one of the best of my life. I hope I get another day like it again… but then again… everything seems to just fade away.

I hope it’s hormones…

I’ve just had a very weepy day. And watching “Family” with Aria didn’t help. Not the Aria part, hanging with Aria is good and makes my days not suck right now… Right now I just feel like I’m waiting… eternally for things to change, to happen… it’s a very lame feeling.

I also didn’t have class today… which… stuff… I don’t know. Anyways I hat being so down and I hope its my cycle. I’m sure you all wanted to hear that.

Rabbit Rabbit

So it’s the first of the month again, and yet another month goes by without significant change in my life. It’s rather unpleasant to see how fast everything is going and how dragged down I feel emotionally.

Anyways I had a pretty decent day yesterday. I randomly got asked by two girls in my dorm to accompany them to Target, and it was fun. I probably spent more money than I should but just to be noticed… and invited… that doesn’t happen to me very often so it was a pretty good night.

100 Hits

Thanks everyone. I’m trying to figure out more ways to get more hits… what can I say I’m a bit of a feedback whore… anyways this was an odd day because it was equally as productive as it was unproductive. I got all my study abroad plans of study in, rearranged my room, worked out… yet at the same time I didn’t send the ebay thing I had to and the majority of the day was spent watching BTVS with Aria… we kinda just slammed through the end of Season 2… I got some reading done and mostly all I have this weekend is costume design homework… which is of the good I suppose… now I’m beat… I’m going to sim and go to bed.

Let it Slush, Let it Slush, Let it Slush

So I got up this morning only to find that Abnormal Psych was cancelled due to the weather, as was Costume design leaving only one class left for the rest of this week. I’ve got a lot of textbook reading done this morning as well as some projects for costume design. I hav my Romanesque redrawings to do as well as my designs for Getting Out and a report on Speakeasies in the 1920s.

I’m almost done with my Plan for Study Abroad applications and found the Application to design an interdepartmental minor so I can do my Film Production minor and not stress about designing/completing a second major. I’m taking a variety of courses in the theory of film and practical applications like directing, screenwriting, and design. I just hope I can get it approved.

I’m still incredibly calm today but it’s fading a little bit. Due to several factors… a few people who make my life kind of harsh. Anyways, I’m forcing myself to go out and talk to people on my floor more often. It’s really nice to be able to knock on someone’s door and not feel like a total intruder upon their lives. I think maybe I will end up making some friends here, but I’m still debating whether or not I will live here next semester. Though I think E might kill me if I stay here again since she was so determined for me to move out of here this semester.

I’m still not in the clear on living here… I still am pretty sure that if I was dead on the floor in my room no one would notice until I started to smell. That’s just an extreme example but it’s a scary one nonetheless.