A Case of the Nasties

I had a particularly nasty panic attack today. To start, I was home for a few days to visit my grandfather… he’s looking better. Anyways the panic attack… It started at 12:30 when I hit the road to had from home to school wondering if I’d be back in time for my 3 O’clock class, I’m already kicking myself for stopping to buy an eyeshadow and concealer I really wanted, but I really wantd the concealer because I was freaking about this huge zit I have…

I knew I would make it, yet still with the panic. About 30 minutes into the drive I had to pee so I pulled off the highway to a gas station, their restroom was out of order, so I went to the rest stop across the street and it was under construction… so 10 minutes later I am in the Burger King freaking out already. I get back in the car and drive panicked to school, I get there with 15 minutes to get to class and it only takes me 5 minutes to walk there and my teacher starts late.

I get to class on time, sit down, and proceed to sit and twitch and constantly look at the clock and try not to cry. We were looking at eating disorders and I knew something was wrong with me because the idea of taking laxatives to lose weight suddenly sounded like a good idea.  BAD IDEA. Rationally a very very BAD IDEA.

So then I came back and saw that a parking ban was declared due to impending snow so I have to move my car. Which means putting it in the garage which will cost money. I am now panicking about the money I spent on the eyeshadow and concealer this morning. I know I have more money in a certificate of desposit and a nice sum of money in my checking account, yet I freak out because I  spent so much money last month and I don’t want my parents to be mad at me.

So I go out grocery shopping since my car will be in the garage for a while and I should get food now and it came out to… well… what food for over a week would cost since the price of food is rising and I’m using my mom’s money to buy the food and I freak again because I’m spending her money! Even though she said I could buy groceries. I bumped into two people in the market and apologized profusely and repeatedly and they were both equal parts comforting and wigged at this wacky girl who felt so guilty for bumping into them.

And now I’m here trying to not feel so damned guilty for every little thing that I do. This is bad. Aria’s on her way over… maybe some down time will help me…

The long way home… haha

Okay, rise and shine. I’m gonna have to miss Ab Psy today since I’m driving back. Family drama is very much not fun. I came home for my grandfather and stayed for the after-school special happening between my mother and her sisters over what kind of care their 88 year old father should get. They all live out of state and a quarter to a half way across the country, neither has kids, but one has a sick husband and the other has a job. My mother on the other hand lives close, about half an hour away.

But she’s been in constant care mode since my grandmother got sick nearly three years ago. Has it really been that long? Yeah cause she died almost two years ago… Anyways my mother is about to lose her mind and her sisters won’t let her hire anyone to help my grandfather out. Not even someone to just come stay with him at night to make sure he’s okay. He has one of those pendant things but a pendant can’t do the heimlich, a pendant can’t run to the store to get him something, and someone who lives 30 minutes away can’t be expected to drop everything and drive down there to tell him that his phone is off the hook. So my mom was pretty much in tears last night and I didn’t wanna leave her.

I’m going to get the notes from Maya so I don’t miss anything. I’ve got two episodes of Buffy Between the Lines on CDs in my car to listen to on the way up so the trip shouldn’t be too bad, no matter how ass early it is.

And 100 miles later…

I drove home today. It’s not that long of a drive. Anyways, my grandfather has cancer and he’s not doing so well. Tomorrow is his birthday and if the worst does happen this year and I missed this birthday I’d never forgive myself. I feel bad enough that I don’t write him letters or call him. I never know what to say to him, but at least I can be there.

The man is almost 90 something was going to get him some day, but most of me still is having trouble believing it. I mean just a few years ago he had brain surgery and came out of it better than he had been before. He’s a cockroach, it seemed like nothing would get rid of him. I guess it still hasn’t hit me even though we’ve been dealing with this for 6 months.