Soooo…

Ever had that thing where you thought something was due on day X and it turns out to be due day X-5….  So the Ab Psy final project I thought I was supposed to have done by the 2nd, was due tomorrow. So I got it done, it didn’t take me that long. I’m just glad I got through it without an anxiety attack! Oh this is so cause for a party

I HAVE CONQUERED MY ANXIETY!!!!! Mostly

Anyways with two weeks to go here is what I have for each week.

WEEK ONE

• 1 Final for PoA
• Internship Stipend Application
• 1 Project for Ab Psy
• 1 Costume Design Project

WEEK TWO

• 1 Final for Ab Psy
• 1 Projects left for Costume Design
• 1 Paper for Shakespeare
• 1 Final for Shakespeare
• Begin Study Abroad paperwork

The Chocolate Bunny Chronicles

Okay… so I get my chocolate bunny for easter… and it’s one of those gold wrapped Lindt bunnies that look so pretty and is way cuter than the plush one… and I have it sitting on my desk and I really want the chocolate… but I don’t want to wreck the beautiful bunny… and I ponder this for a while and decide to unwrap it as carefully as possible so I can stuff it with tissues and tape it back together when the chocolate is out… so I pull out the chocolate, which is beautiful too… and am stuffing the wrapper but it gets all messy so I give up and toss it in the garbage can but the face is still intact and staring up at me like why did you do this too me, and lo and behold I feel guilty about opening up the bunny… So I start eating the chocolate to ease my guilt but now I think the bunny is glaring at me for eating it… and it’s very difficult…

I hope this is a reaction to my bunny dying last summer because this is frigging nuts.

Happy Easter…

A Case of the Nasties

I had a particularly nasty panic attack today. To start, I was home for a few days to visit my grandfather… he’s looking better. Anyways the panic attack… It started at 12:30 when I hit the road to had from home to school wondering if I’d be back in time for my 3 O’clock class, I’m already kicking myself for stopping to buy an eyeshadow and concealer I really wanted, but I really wantd the concealer because I was freaking about this huge zit I have…

I knew I would make it, yet still with the panic. About 30 minutes into the drive I had to pee so I pulled off the highway to a gas station, their restroom was out of order, so I went to the rest stop across the street and it was under construction… so 10 minutes later I am in the Burger King freaking out already. I get back in the car and drive panicked to school, I get there with 15 minutes to get to class and it only takes me 5 minutes to walk there and my teacher starts late.

I get to class on time, sit down, and proceed to sit and twitch and constantly look at the clock and try not to cry. We were looking at eating disorders and I knew something was wrong with me because the idea of taking laxatives to lose weight suddenly sounded like a good idea.  BAD IDEA. Rationally a very very BAD IDEA.

So then I came back and saw that a parking ban was declared due to impending snow so I have to move my car. Which means putting it in the garage which will cost money. I am now panicking about the money I spent on the eyeshadow and concealer this morning. I know I have more money in a certificate of desposit and a nice sum of money in my checking account, yet I freak out because I  spent so much money last month and I don’t want my parents to be mad at me.

So I go out grocery shopping since my car will be in the garage for a while and I should get food now and it came out to… well… what food for over a week would cost since the price of food is rising and I’m using my mom’s money to buy the food and I freak again because I’m spending her money! Even though she said I could buy groceries. I bumped into two people in the market and apologized profusely and repeatedly and they were both equal parts comforting and wigged at this wacky girl who felt so guilty for bumping into them.

And now I’m here trying to not feel so damned guilty for every little thing that I do. This is bad. Aria’s on her way over… maybe some down time will help me…

I’m riding the endorphin high…

I honestly think I need therapy more than once a week because I’m starting to get very antsy and anxious again. It’s not fun. Anyways I went to the gym and I’m feeling good for a while. I got most of my costume design homework done so far. Just a few more things left to do but it’s not a big deal.

Anyways since I’m here and I have this spot, I figured I should pimp the Buffy Between the Lines Season 2 auditions. Since they are coming. March 8-21st.

Harmony, Principal Snyder, Mayor Wilkins III,  Willy the Snitch, Cordy, Drusilla (Aria I know you read this…. jooooin us), Riley, Oz, Lindsey McDonald, Lilah Morgan, Gwen Raiden, Amy Madison, Larry, Holland Manners, Pat, Alan Finch, Young Wesley (7 years old), Gwendolyn Post, Quentin Travers and many many more! Just keep it in mind.

Looooooong Day

Well I ushered in the day at midnight still on my call for Geek by Night, I can’t wait until the promos come out. I love this project. Apparently the #Ep 2 script wasedited to make Cliss’s character more violent, to match… well… Cliss

I finally got around to going to the therapist, and I’m very happy about that. I feel pretty much calm for once in a very long time. And afterwards I watched a puberty documentary on teenage boys and suddently felt the urge to smother my little brother.

I got into a bit of a fender bender today since my brakes didn’t engage. There was no damage done to either car.

Sorry my thoughts are so……. SQUIGGGGGGGLOOKOVERHERE…. but I’m… sleepy and doing my reading for AbPsy. Yay for Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers

Pardon me while I shoot myself in the face…

I’m starting to talk like Aria… this is kinda scary. Anyways while talking to Aria today I found out that all the study abroad shit is due at the end of this week. I started having a panic attack, I haven’t stopped and though rationally I know I have everything under control and will have it done I feel like my entire body is about to just rip it’s way out of my skin and I’m going to break down crying at any minute. Which has been a consisent pattern in the way that I’ve been feeling.

Stop the world. I wanna get off. Plzkthnx

Come on, You can do it!

It’s been a buzz in the medical community for a while but a study from last month shows that 20 minutes of exercise a day is as effective as an anti-depressant….. WHEEEEEE!!!! Endorphins how you blind us from the truth. I’m kinda bubbly since I’ve been exercising this week and it’s strange to feel this… WHEEEEEE!!!!!! And I didn’t have any sugar so I don’t know where that’s coming from.

Alright, this weekend I have to read all of Twelfth Night, I CAN DO IT… Oh and read some chapters in the Sapolsky book…  I hav no idea what my plans are otherwise but I’m feeling a very strong craving for Boston Market tonight… I’ll drive on down to the market then.

Anyways I had a pretty spectacular experience last night. I went down to the comic book store to pick up Buffy Season 8 #11. And there’s a line that Gwen Allan (The character I play in the upcoming audio drama Geek By Night) has where she talks about the importance of the bond between comic book store employee and comic book store patron, and I really got to feel that last night cause I was the only one in the store… when GbN comes out I think I’ll have to put a flyer up in the store.

There’s been times in my life when I just don’t feel geeky enough to enjoy a trip to the comic book store… is it weird that I’m developing a goal to be MORE of a geek?

I’m too sexy for my Class

Today we discussed the reasons behind fashion and dressing in costume design. Group identity, social class, modesty, protection, utility, comfort (either physical or psychological), adornment. We spent the full two hours of class discussing why people wear the clothes they wear and  what they try to do when they adorn themselves when it occured to me.

I am the most BORING dresser ever. The only adornments I wear are two necklaces I never take off and 6 earrings I never take off. The only shirts I own are Gap T-shirts and  Old Navy tanktops, if I buy something more interesting than that chances are I will lose it. I pull out a new shirt from my drawer and sniff the pants on my floor to see if they are decent for the outside world. I wear the same pair of shoes every single day, and if I’m lucky enough to remember I may put on the Sweeney Todd hoodie I got at Hot Topic.

It’s very strange to just sit and think about the way you dress, why you dress, how much time you spend dressing. Try it sometime. Hopefully you won’t end up with the identity crisis I did.

Bad for the Grades

I’ve become overwhelmed with my utter apathy again. I have no desire to do… well… anything. Between my grandfather’s illness, my social issues, and my fucked up emotions I’m feeling rather tapped out, and don’t have the energy to spare for my work. I’ll get it done somehow… it just won’t be well. I have no idea how I’m going to raise my GPA at this rate. Perhaps I should talk to a professional… but I’m too lazy to, I don’t care enough to help myself it feels like. This constant exhaustion is frustrating beyond all belief. I feel so abandoned… a good chunk of me wants to just… not take this semester, to take time away but my folks wouldn’t hear of it. I don’t even think I would like it that much. It’d just prolong this confusion.

I’d post the notes I took for Costume Design today but they’re in my bag… on the other side of the room and I don’t feel much like getting up. I hate seeing this pathetic lump I have become.

FRIDAY!!!!

And my brain is too off to come up with a good subject header. It’s actually a rather gloomy day with the weather out there.

Well as my exhuberance shows, it’s friday, and I’ve made it through the first week of the semester but so far things are looking pretty shittastic. I’ve had a couple of emotional sinkholes this week which haven’t put me in a mood much to be doing homework. Luckily this weekend I only have some Ab Psy chapters and Psychology of Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood chapters to read and to do a little research on white trash, prisoners, and pimps in the 1970s for costume design.

The other two classes I haven’t filled you in on are PAEA and Costume Design I suppose. PAEA looks like it’s gonna be Intro Psych all over again… which yay I did well in that! And CD looks like it’s gonna be a lot of fun, I like my prof, Kiki. She’s much more chill about art than Prof. F was so even though I’m not really a drawer I feel like I’ll do alright in this class.

Oh how I miss the 3.65 I had my very first semester. That was a pretty number. Alas… first semester my first year was pretty rocking. I wonder if karmically everything’s balancing out. I had one good semester so now everything is crap or something like that? Anyways I don’t intend to be emo.

They say that exercise is as effective in many cases at treating depression as meds. As someone who is opposed to medication except in dire circumstances, I’ve been trying to work out for a month but alas no good has come to my mental health. I think it’s finally time to bite the bullet and see a shrink before I do something dumb to myself.

But for now I’m gonna chill a bit, maybe watch Bones with Aria, see if I can get in touch with E.

Oh and first of the month.. rabbit rabbit.